All the same, infrequent posting has its advantages. From one post to another, I can usually reveal a big piece of news – new job, new haircut, new views on why eating Cheetos for breakfast is scientifically proven to help reduce your risk for osteoporosis. But this next one is a biggie – I’m getting married! Yes, just a few posts ago I was lamenting about my Liz Lemonian lack of dating skills, and shortly thereafter I happened to bump into an old acquaintance from elementary school and went on a long overdue first date. By a particularly bizarre and lucky twist of fate, he did not head for witness protection after said first date, but actually stuck around and asked to spend the rest of his earthly days with a constantly snacking, accident prone, hyperactive chatterbox….I mean, a lifetime of wedded bliss with yours truly.
The future Mr. Chiacchierone and I were engaged on Christmas Eve in 2011. I figured setting a summer 2013 wedding date meant that we had the luxury of taking our time in planning the event’s details. Matt took this to mean we would be attending the first bridal expo of 2012.
In fact, my future husband was so adamant about our attending that he pre-booked tickets for the event online (“Laur, this is the 2nd largest bridal expo in Southern New England – I don’t think we should take the chance that we won’t get in!”). I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I actually did hope we wouldn’t get in, so we ended up in line at the convention center at 9:00 AM sharp on a Saturday morning. Matt had brilliantly created a new “wedding-only” gmail address to provide potential vendors with a centralized communication point and was carefully dissecting a map of the convention center with a compass and various cartographical tools. I was eating Skittles for breakfast and people watching. Perhaps the first thing I noticed was that Matt and I were one of the only couples in line. Every other group appeared to consist of one girl (typically wearing a tiara or a sash or a portable neon sign pointing out that she was the BRIDE) plus a posse of about 12 to 17 surrounding girls. I took a discerning look at the group of girls behind me – everyone had on matching velour tracksuits, bejeweled with their names and their position in the wedding. I counted 14 bridesmaids in the group, then started wondering if Matt and I should have worn matching get-ups too (Spartan cheerleaders? Our homemade Charlie Brown and Lucy costumes from the previous Halloween?) Before I could pitch the idea to Matt, it was time for us to pass through the turn-style and enter the exhibition hall.
The hall was a sea of different vendors – caterers, florists, photo booth companies, limo services, bakeries. I spotted a pyramid of white cupcakes and actually started to come around to the idea of the expo. That is, until I was (way too purposefully) approached by the very first vendor to solicit me. It all happened so fast. One minute I was borrowing Matt’s map to strategize a route that would allow us to pass the cupcake pyramid at least 7 times. The next minute, I’m getting accosted by a 7 foot, 90 lb woman holding a pamphlet for laser skincare, liposuction and cosmetic waxing. She literally leapt over two tables to make sure I was aware that her pamphlet contained a coupon for a free consultation and 20% off (apparently sorely needed) services for brides. I stuffed the coupon in my purse and bee-lined for the cupcakes. Thus began our journey in wedding planning.
Matt and I have spent the past year getting pumped about becoming a Mr. and Mrs. Between choosing a venue, practicing YouTube-worthy choreographed moves and making some tough wedding decisions (DJ or band? Buffet or sit down dinner? Fraggle Rock or Muppet Show theme?) – things have been fun, but busy.
Here’s what has been crossed off as “done” on the list:
1.) My wedding dress:
Other than the story of how Matt and I met (and how he proposed) this is my favorite wedding planning story so far. My wedding dress is from the Goodwill store in North Attleboro, and it cost $100. No, I didn’t forget a zero and no, it doesn’t look like something a computer science major would wear to a Renaissance fair. It’s beautiful, classy, and it’s all thanks to my dream team that ventured out one Saturday morning in April to help me say “yes” to my (super-awesomely cheap) dress:
My mom:
Don’t let her day job as a preschool nurse and her sweet, grandmotherly demeanor fool you. This woman moonlights as a member of a NASCAR pit crew in her spare time. Mama Santos applied her speedy tire-changing skills and amazingly got me zipped in (and unzipped out) of about 20 wedding dresses in 6 minutes.
My future mother in law:
Actually, she was the one that found out about the Goodwill event and suggested we go. As the mother of three boys, she watched a lot of professional wrestling throughout the late 80’s and early 90’s and graciously offered to brush up on her moves and put any pushy brides in a sleeper hold.
My twin sister:
Despite being several months pregnant at the time, my sister arrived with a backpack full of snacks and a mean left hook for anybody that came close to any dress that fit my wildly specific guidelines (around a size 8, no turtlenecks, less than 30 lb. of tulle).
The result:
We acquired a $100 beauty of a dress that miraculously zipped without needing to wear 3 layers of Spanx….and we still had time to eat breakfast before 10:00 am.
2.) Wedding fitness regimen:
January 1st of this year didn’t only mark the start of 2013 – it was also 200 days (exactly) until I would be publicly vowing to love and to cherish Matt in front of our families and friends…and be in 3,000 high resolution photos…in a strapless dress. This meant one thing (no, NOT European liposuction, crazy pamphlet lady from the expo) – it meant a serious return to the gym.
My usual routine (riding the stationary bike at level 0.5 while yelling out answers to Jeopardy and munching on Swedish Fish) was not going to cut it. If I wanted a wedding-dress-worthy body, I had to push myself and take some group exercise classes. For any fellow brides out there looking for fitness inspiration, here are my takeaways from each course I’ve taken in January:
Zumba:
Hot Latin music provides the perfect background for a booty-shaking, calorie-burning dance party for any* bride (see disclaimer below).
*If you’re a Latina back up dancer for Janet Jackson.
**If you’re an awkward white girl who has problems differentiating between left and right, it’s also for you because you (read: me) won’t be able to tell you look like a dork – you’ll be thinking you’re one class away from quitting your cubicle job and starring in the next “Step Up” movie. Shake it sister!
Spinning:
Biking in place. No lights on (except for a black light). This means, as you’re pedaling to nowhere and enjoying some bass pumping house music, you can (literally) flash a glowing smile to your classmates. I would recommend this class to a bride that is curious about how a hamster would feel racing in his wheel at a rave.
Body Blast: Core Conditioning:
For brides that have not competed on American Gladiator or are not currently employed as personal trainers, I would strongly discourage you from taking any course with the words “core” and/or “blast” in the description. After taking this class, I was unable to laugh, sneeze, breathe, chew anything crunchier than pudding or operate my car for 10 days. Matt had to install a chair lift so I could get upstairs.
3.) Bridesmaid dress shopping
I am blessed that my two sisters and two of my dearest friends have happily agreed to be part of our wedding party. And no, I don’t refer to them as “my girls” as many brides are wont to do. I did not give birth to them, nor did I win them in a poker game, so they are not actually “mine”. (Okay, rant’s over).
When it was time to pick out their dresses, we all walked into David’s Bridal with only one condition – everybody leaves with a dress. Any dress not made of gold foil, leopard print pleather or feathers was fair game.
It turns out I was way off. I was supposed to walk into the shop with a four-inch binder, a headset hooked up to my bridal blackberry, and an entourage of people- my “I Do crew” (composed of J.Lo’s bouncer, Randy from “Say Yes to the Dress” and Grizz from “30 Rock”). I should have also arrived with an excruciatingly specific color palette (example: “my colors are cornflower blue and ecru with an accent color of granny smith apple green”) as well as a carefully and strategically pondered theme (“my theme is boho chic with casual country flair”).
Instead, I walked in wearing chucks and glasses, and had the appointment date/time written on the back of a piece of paper towel. When the consultant asked about my color palette and theme, I panicked. I didn’t expect a pop quiz. I tried to make a joke about a Lisa Frank color palette and a rodeo theme, which tanked (my fault). I ended up mumbling something like “Um, any color really – pink…or maybe yellow? I don’t know, what do you guys want?” I asked, looking back at “my girls”. I went on to dig myself further, “Um, and, I’m going for like a, ‘Yay, I’m getting married’ theme…?”
Still, despite my total bridal ineptitude, the day went well. All four girls picked dresses they were comfortable in, and we decided on a color we all liked, and (wait for it) we were out of there and eating pizza together in 35 minutes.
Bam. In your face, color palette.
What’s still left on the “to do” list:
I’d rather not number this list. Instead, I’ll just say there is a lot left to do - we haven’t yet picked out flowers, booked a limo or bought a cake. And still, I know that no matter what details we forget, I will wake up the next day with an endlessly caring, sweet, thoughtful and funny husband who loves me to pieces. So, if I end up with a bouquet of plastic petunias; if we roll up to the church in the Oscar Meyer mobile and we cut into a Hostess cupcake in front of 100 people, I’ll still be the happiest bride around.
The future Mr. and Mrs. Chiacchierone, performing some serious quality control tests on a photobooth at the wedding expo, January 2012.
3 comments:
:)
-Mr. Chatterbox
I can't wait for the big day! I personally think that you and Mr. Chatterbox are awesome and make a very adorable couple. I can appreciate your blog too, not just because its funny but because I was also the anti-bride. But at least you have a great attitude about the shenanigans they put you through. You two are going to live happily ever after no matter the details and you, Ms Sellsherselfshort, are going to be mindblowingly gorgeous in that dress of yours.
You cannot imagine my DELIGHT when I saw your post pop up in my blog feed! And YES, YES, YES, a wedding post!! Just what I wanted. I laughed out loud, AGAIN!!! Sorry for all of the exaggerated punctuation (see previous post), but you make me proud to be a fellow blogger and reader. More importantly, you make me proud to know you. Keep it coming, Lauren. :+)
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