...that girl who needs more time-consuming hobbies. Or a shorter commute. Or a quieter inner-monologue.
In the interest of keeping the art of letter-writing alive, I've penned a few myself. Please imagine all of these letters voiced-over by Susan Sarandon (you know, Wonder Years-style). I think that her voice might possibly convince everyone that what I'm saying has a shred of substance.
Dear teenagers of America,
Stop calling everything "random", as in:
"Ohmygod, that's SOOOO totally random."
If you call everything and everyone random, nothing is random. Think about it.
Dear every episode of "How I Met your Mother," banana pancakes, Stevie Wonder, Christmas Eve, my 10 year old pair of Levi's, Red Sox, the smell of sun block, my passport, ice cold beer, and irregular Italian verbs,
Dang, you are awesome. All of you.
Dear native-speakers-of-English-who-should-know-better,
You are misusing the word ironic. I think we all remember Alanis' ode to the topic (sure, I was rocking it in a pair of overalls and pink jellies). But what we failed to grasp while singing along (and checking our braces for pieces of food) was that the "ironic" situations in her song aren't ironic. She actually makes a long list of shitty things that could happen to you. Rain on your wedding day? Traffic jam when you're already late? That's just a crap day. Just for good measure, I'm providing some examples of actual irony:
Exhibit A: The fact that nobody in my office thinks "The Office" is funny.
Exhibit B: Getting cut off and flipped off by a Prius with a "Coexist" bumper sticker.
Dear Always,
Your slogan is, "Have a happy period." Seriously? There must be a lot of dudes in your marketing department.
Dear Kanye,
Thanks for providing me with thematic one-liners for my everyday life:
On the road: "So I parallel, double-parked that mother-$@^#&! sideways...."
At the office: "You should be honored by my lateness...that I would even show up to this fake shit."
On personal style: "So if the devil wear Prada, Adam Eve wear nada, I'm in between but way more fresher. With way less effort."
Dear Boston,
Thank you for the city, the band, the cream pie and the baked beans. You really rule. I could do without your lettuce though...it's kind of lame.
Dear Eminem,
Shut up.
Dear autumn,
Your changing leaves are breath-taking. The cool, crisp air makes me excited for the upcoming holidays. But you took away the beautiful, bronzed tan I took all summer to acquire. My skin is now the color of a peeled potato and I'm wondering if apple pie was an even trade.
Dear late-20's,
Please rock. Big time.
